exoticboy80 journal

This might be a silly question but if you were to choose...

To meet someone online..for friends,chat or potential dates..
Would u prefer meeting gay guys from
a. Adam4Adam
b. Gay.com
c. Planet Out
d. Manhunt
e. Livejournal Community

Is there any other site that i missed?

My answer is Livejournal.

what will be your answer and why?

-- R

As you all know that i recently ended a 4 yrs relationship this past March 08 and Ive been going thru a transition and trying to make myself distracted with all this heartaches and sadness. Luckily, enough I have few things to do such as: spending time with my amazing friends and family, volunteering for LGBT community and go on for some dates.

In the beginning, i feel like i lost my charm and questions myself if im ready to have fun again or ready to go on dates. But interesting enough, I still have my charm and still get approached by guys. Everytime I was asked for a date, i always let them know that i just recently just got out of relationship and im really not looking for anything in particular.. Some respects it and some was disappointed.

I always tell them " I dont want u to like me the way you want to like me"
its kinda sad that i have to say that but thats how i feel.. Eventhough some of them are really interesting and sweet enough to go on more than a date.I still feel like i will need more time.

On the other hand, there is this one particular guy that i just met and interesting enough. He was going thru the same situation that I am. So far we connect so well and we even joke around that we should go for"rebound dates" together haha..

We are getting along so well that its kinda scary and im starting to have this funny "good" feeling inside and I can feel that he feel the same way.
All my thoughts are coming to my head.. What if it grows more and more..and we fully connect? Should i pursue this instinct feelings that telling me inside? Should I avoid him because this is really not gonna help me? Can 2 heartbroken guys can be together despite of their past? Is it ok to go out with him more than just a date?

Any thoughts?

Recap
Me:
ended a 4 yrs rel due to infidelity

Guy:
ended a 3 yrs rel due to infidelity as well.
(of course there is more to it )

(all- forgive my grammar and writing.. im working on it)

Luke Macfarlane & Wentworth Miller...tottally out and as a gay couple


omg::: im sweating right now..

All,

1. Thank you all for your comments. 4 Communities: 80 hits of comments.
2. Forgive my grammar and my poor writing for English is my second language and im trying as much as I can to convey how i feel.Thank you for understanding.
3. The dates are wrong and I just found out and clarify that he actually cheated on me last summer not fall.. Which is almost a year of lies and deceits.
4. After reading the comments and realizing that i deserved better than this. It definitely help me to move on.
5. Im back in LiveJournal after 4 yrs off not posting and its feels good to be back. This time I will make sure to vent out to my journal and use this as a great tool to vent and i really appreciate the communities and the readers of my entries.

Huggles,

Rico

* Im no longer a heartbroken cutie * thanks for one specific comment that i shouldnt feel heartbroken, just because its really not my lost but its his lost. *

Me-27 yrs old- Independent,very goal minded and like to accomplished ATTAINABLE goals
Ex- 27 yrs old-still live with parents, music laid back mentality (waiting to be discovered, and no back up future plans.
Relationship Status -4 years long term relationships
Officially Break Update: March 2008
Partial Break up- Oct 2007
Reconciled- Nov 2007


My ex bf recently confessed to me that he cheated on me last year.
I asked him who-what-when-why. He said 3 times before our partial break up and 7 more times within a break up period. It was his straight co worker that approached him after smoking pt. He was tempted and did it.
When we both got back together,things change, we dont make love as we used to be and its just different. I wouldnt think my xbf can do such a thing. In all honesty i thought ill be the one who will commit cheating especially with so many temptations in my end.

My point of view and correct me guys if im wrong..
1. It will prolly be ok if he did it inside the break period?
2. If he did it once its ok people make mistake, but knowing he did it 3 times? Did he even think about me on the 2nd and the 3rd?
3. Careless is a very big thing to me. You have to be responsibile in your actions and pay consequences for the outcome.
4. Before i said to my friends... "its not like im breaking up with him cuz he cheated on me? its more about growth.." But now that he cheated on me!! which prolly happen for a reason and something is telling me that its better off getting out of this relationship now and regret it later?
5. I already forgive him but i will not tolerate cheating.
6. He want to get back together but im sure it will just take another time before he can cheat on me again. Or maybe I will cheat on him ?

The weird thing is...

I know how its like to be approached by a str8 guy.. I used to have a str8 fb before i met him and kinda the same scenario happen..Of course on that time im single. In some ways i told him its ok..I understand.. I even told him that since you cheated on me.. if u want you can keep yours and i will go back and keep mine. but he said he cant do that.. I told him .. well you already cheated on me.. What bugs me is that he is so hypocrite and bad mouthing my other couples friends that play together.. If i have to choose.. I would rather play together than cheat to my partner.

Summary:
Since i know its never gonna be the same again.. i decided to just completely get out of this relationship and move on..

DO you guys think I should give him a chance?

-- heartbroken cutie.

im back..

I realize that its been a while since I havent post in Livejournal..

I hope everyone still remembers me..


HUgz n Kisses to all my LJ Friends

Ricp

It really hurts.. Knowing the fact that you have so much respect in the relationship and how much you invest on it.

I wish he know how it felts.

I need some space and time to think over this..

=(

A 30 minute of lies and questions

I respect relationship so much that I will do everything not to mess it up. I love my boyfriend soo soo much that it hurts.. I was just talking to my roomate and my friend ray about the whole situation. Its not really an issue but it just bothers me so much. The situation right now is that my boyfriend randomly told me this Saturday that he hang out with ex-bf a month ago to smoke some Weed.. In some way im glad that he told me about it but in some ways it bothers me for 1. He told me before that he is a big pathological liar thats the reason why it didnt work out. 2. He just lie about something and 3. He wasnt as attractive to him in the beginning anyways. My point here is that "how come he still hang out with him despite all those frustations and lies that they have on the past... I just dont get it... And since my bf usually tell me that he hang out with his usual friend Mel or D. i just wonder that if he used the same excuse to meet his x so i wouldnt feel uncomfortable about it?..I mean in all honesty I feel like i kinda got lied to in certain ways..I question to myself, "What if he did lie to me"??What should i do?? I told him that it bothers me and I would really appreciate if he will not do that again. And he said that he will not do that again and he didnt even say sorry to me about it.I question myself.

1. If you cant stand him then why did u still bother to hang out with him? His response: It just because for the sake of W. and i dont have somebody to smoke with?
2. If he is a pathological liar and lie to u about everything, then why still bother hanging out with? Is it really because of Drugs? Or what?
3. I wonder if they smoke in the backyard or they smoke inside his room? Cuz if that is lastmonth then that must be so freezing cold and i doubt it that you will be in the backyard?

I wonder if he ever thought on how would he feel if.

1. I hang out with my x bf and watch a movie in his room/couch and enjoying the night? Well my response to that would be ...Well i dont do W but i enjoy watching movie cuz i have nobody to watch with?
2. If i tell him that im hanging out with my Ray but technically i was hanging with my x because i need something desperately. in this case its not drug.. It can be anything..

Enoughhh of this...

Btw did i mention that his x bf left me a message on friendster on the past stating that my bf right now is his "Left over"
I got so furious when i got that message and since then i never really talk to him.. Its all began when i send all my friends and aqcuaintance a forward message about True love.. its about if u dont send this in 15 of ur friends in 5 mins u will not find true love or get anything.. I mean i know its spam and shit but his x bf specifically message me that" Oh Great Rico, Thanks a lot.. Honey your going out with my x bf who pretty much my left over" and your there to pick it up and your telling me that I will not find love"??

When i read that I feel totally awful.. I didnt really mention that to him cuz it might hurt his feeling but its just way to disrecpectful. And for me I am so mad that he call him that cuz my bf is a great guy and he is not a left over. His x bf was so stupid and dumb not to have him.

But now seeing this situation that he still hang out with him is a lil bit slap on my face.. I said to myself look at the guy that i was defending and the guy that im with and the guy that cant stand his x cuz his a pathologial liar...

He turn out to stab me not just in the back but in my heart. I wish he knew this... It does hurt...

Hey listen.. Im not gonna really put a big drama out of this... All i want is for him to say sorry and realize that there are reason why they call them X.. And no matter what, it still x for a reason..

i love u stephen but sometimes think before you do things.. Just be lucky that you found me.. Someone who always care and put up things just to be happy, someone who care and dont lie to u.. I really wish sometimes i know how to smoke W, drink beer or do things so i can accomodate you.. But that is not me..It will never be me..=(

I hope u understand and realize how this small lil things bothers me... I know u keep telling me not to worry too much. and u loved me and be happy.. But hearing this things and finding this out will pull my trigger for Deceit,Lies and trust..

anyways i hope i can tell u this in person.. I hope i can hold my tears.. I love u


-- rico

hope everyone is happy as well.. and i love my boyfriend so much..

its been a while... Im coming soon....



i hope you guys had a great holidays.


-- rico

i must say that i have such an amazing relationship with my bf we just communicate so well and were just so in love.. I love you stephen and thank you for being such an amazing person..

i loved it so much i can post so easily

Pretzel
To see a pretzel in your dream, symbolizes devotion, spiritual beliefs and life's sweet rewards. You are embracing life and extending yourself to help others. Alternatively, it may indicate that you are preoccupied with some complex issue and are not sure how to handle it.

I woke up on my nap after dreaming of a ive been eating too much pretzel on my dream and i look it up online and this is actually how i feel.

Ive been feeling a lil bit off lately and very bothered that i found out lastnite that my bf actually dating 2 guy at the same time on the time I met him online around Dec of '03...This happen before we became official on Jan 31 2004.. I said to myself wow that is really shocking thinking to myself that I thought & wish he had the same attraction to me like the way i was to him on our very first date.I actually will think of it as one and one dating period before we become totally official..But i guess not and i feel so wreck right now..And the worst part is I know the other person and this person is one of my aquaintance.And now where up to our 2 years in Jan '06 and in some ways it gives me a big question mark if this sign is a red flag? I wish he had told me this earlier but he kept it for me.. I remember one time we had a discussion of letting each other know our diff secrets such as how many bf u had,you hook up with who and what,whats your past so on and so forth...In some ways after all this stuff last nite happen it just show that I DONT KNOW HIM at all while HE KNOW ME SO WELL especially when something is not right or something is wrong..It sucks... I feel like so naive and how come i dont know this..

Btw one of my biggest mistake i have in this relationship is i fucking compromise too much...Too much that i will do whatever just to make sure my lover will get a proper attention,happy and feel comfortable in any different situation.While on the other hand i dont get any proper compromise from him..

I love his family to death and they are one of the best thing happen to me in our relationship I even told him that I will never ever cheat on him...I just couldnt imagine cheating to someone i love and care soo much and its like throwing a big LOVE away...

He knows that i love him.. and i do love him soooo sooo much that it hurts...I just wish he can see and be more appreciative about me..This past couple of months and weeks ive been feeling insecured and jealous in some ways..One of them is his close friend Dave & Maria and i have nothing against them.I mean i like them and we hanged out all together and of course i know for the fact that FRIENDS and LOVER have a different way when getting attention..But in some ways in general friends and lover can both compromise each other.. Well there is this once instance that i rented 3 DVD movies from blockbuster one night and since i know im sleeping over his house i brought it with me i mean i brought 3 just in case he dont like the first or the second one at least odd of those 3 will watch one of them but unfortunately he dont like to watch any movie at all. I was so so disappointed inside that all of a sudden I told him that "I wish I'm more like Dave I wish i know your taste and like's and i wish i can force u to watch a movie eventhough u dont really wanna watch it" But i guess not.. I wish he had compromised me at least to watch it with me eventhough he dont like it..I even Beg him to just show some snippets and clips of a movie but he refused to watch it at all..It makes me feel so terrible inside that it bother me so much....Second instance is that last year we had a problem of not coming with me to any party of MY Friends and everytime i go to those party my friends seems to ask me "How come i never met your boyfriend or seen that you have a boyfriend..Are you sure you have one or its just an imaginary 'boyfriend?" All i can tell them is that his busy and gotta do some music... And one of my friend make a valid point which on what he said "This is not the first time you came in our party without ur bf it seems like his always missing in action.Can he compromised at all so we can meet him I mean this is just once in a blue and its not like every week". I was completely speechless and dont know what to respond on that question All i tell them is like Lets just have a good time ok..I mean I was so silly to ignore this and let it built up to me..It hurts me and worry me not to tell him this cuz i dont want him to think IM a big drama queen and break up with me..But i wish he can compromised me or show an initiative that he can say to himself that you know what i want my man to feel i was there for him and compromised him in a way that he'll feel appreciated in any different cases and different occasions and anything lil cute things his doing for me.." BUT i guess thats me who saying this not him..

Oh my i feel like im whining too much right now..Im sorry if this is such a long post I just wanna express it this way..its easier and writing it makes me feel better in someways..

Anyhow I dont want u to think that my bf is a bad person or anything ok...Its just that i wish that he know what its like to feel uncompromised.. And how does it affect someone especially if the person uaffecting to is the one that u love..

I wish i know him so well.. like the way he knows me.. I hope someday he'll understand how i feel.. Damn its amazing how love can affect you so much that you will do everything just to recieved the love that you wanted...

I wish he feel the same attraction i felt from him since our very first date..Iwish im the only one on our very first date and not sharing to anybody else..

but i guess not and im so naive and ignorant...

I wish its not a secret i wish i'd known earlier..


---rico

Im going back to college and im taking Nursing as my major so wish me luck..

--rico

This weekend is a very wonderful and lovely weekend. I spent a lot of time with Friends,Family & my BF..Its just great I had such a goodtime..

Friday: Birthday Party
Spent time with the Original Five because its Gil's Birthday and we stayed out so late up to 6 in the morning.

Saturday: Get Together
Sat on the other hand is spent time with my bf and his family and go for a swim and that is fun then after that we went to Stirling,NJ to hang out with my bf cousin Kathy and we went to there lovely house and went to a bar that nite and i got so drunk and thats the first time my BF ever saw me drunk..Hahah that was fun and while were driving back home my bf said to me: "You knows poops even when ur drunk your so Caring.."after i heard that i was like aww..I guess im not a bad drinker after all..So yeah it was a good time..

Sunday: Sweet Sixteen
I went with my mom and my younger brother to a sweet sixteen party..It was so nice and elegant and so happy to see my younger brother to be a part of it and dance the Waltz and of course spending time with my mom as well..It was so fun

Monday: 4ht of July
i got up at 1pm and i called up my bf on what time were leaving to go to Matt's BBQ Party and he picked me up at 2:45 and drove to get some liqours then went to the party..I got to chance to see dave,maria and some other people i met before... It was so nice I had so much fun and had a good time and everyones bugs me to do my Signature Rico Pose...HHahahha and to make them happy i went ahead and do my pose while the camera is pointing and shooting at me hahah..

then close to eight o clock me and my bf left the party and went to pick up melissa to see the fireworks...OMG it was so much fun and to be on the actual spot where they put the fireworks totally kick ass and it was so nice and touchy..I had some tears of joy when i saw the fireworks and people gatehering around to see it. It was so nice and for me experiencing this was definitely great the fact i wasnt born in USA makes me appreciated this more.....Thanks for lovely Melissa for inviting me to a wonderful event like this...

Anyways this post is getting pretty long so i guess ill cut it on this part..Thats all i got to say and share with you guys and i hope all of you had a great Fourth..


My bf is reading this right now and I knew it so I just wanna tell (YOU) that I love you so much and thank u for making my fourth a lovely one...



--rico

Commitment is a noun; meaning dedication; committing oneself; engagement or obligation.
I won't pretend to be a wise person explaining the deeper meaning of the word commitment. Like everyone else, we have different opinions and we give different interpretation to certain events in life.
I once thought of commitment as a level of relationship. The more I commit, the more I love the person. The more I spend time with the person, the more I commit myself to that person. Committing is like an essential part of a good relationship. What would you call a relationship without commitment?
There's a person I know, who seems to have an odd meaning of commitment. Commitment for her is like "losing your freedom". So if she commits herself to her special someone, she will of course have less time for others. She can't commit because committing is having an obligation. But obligation is different from dedication.
It's confusing. Obligation is more like a task, a duty that one is required to do..he likes it or not. Dedication is doing something based on feelings. It is doing something that you would love to do or you devote yourself to.
I always believe that love has no condition..but surely, love has a window. It must have a little opening wherein one can look closer inside. Commitment is like a window to love. It is like looking through a person's heart; it shows how a person give importance to his loved one by giving him her trust, time and devotion.
Love is never an obligation, but love consists of an honest and sincere commitment.

I'm half way through the line of insanity. A quarter more inches and I'm a certified fool. Few more of unprescribed valium and I'm off to a temporary walk in the clouds. Then out of desperation, I might even think of flying away to the moon when no one is watching...
I heard someone knocked... and I opened the door to see myself crying alone in the dark. I helplessly watched myself wipe my own tears. Though I don't know the reason why I see myself crying, I tried to console myself..
"There now..." I said to myself, "things will be alright." But I couldn't bring myself to look at my own face. I just stared at myself. I feel awkward and awfully weak as I see myself struggling to cry in silence.
I tried reaching out to touch my own shoulder... I want to say "You're not alone..." but my lips refused to offer myself comfort.
I closed my eyes for I can no longer look at myself... but I can still hear my own voice pleading... Then I opened my eyes to see myself standing right in front of me, face to face. We are so close that I can see my own reflection in my eyes and I can taste my own tears... I gathered all the courage I have left and reached out a hand to touch my own face... only to find myself facing a mirror.

--I was reading my friend Rhodgie Blogs and i feel the same way about myself..Crying Silently is a pain in anyones heart...

Im so thankful about everything right now... And im really happy about it...
I was just talking to Madie about how thankful I am for everything and the only thing she said to me is that I really deserved it and i deserved to be happy ..I had such an awful past this past 4 years and right now its brighting up little by little...

all i can say is Thank You...


--rico

Proud to be who I am...
Proud to be accepted by my families
Proud to be accepted by my friends
Proud to be living in a State where Gay Community are well accepted [New York]
Proud to have a wonderful loving boyfriend[Go Stevie]
Proud to be working for a company where Gay Community are very respected [JPMORGAN]
Proud to be accepted by my "In Laws" lols even Grandma & Grandpa
Proud to be healthy
Proud to have a lot of amazing friends [you know who you are guys]
Proud to be a member of Livejournal were gay people had a chance to write there thoughts & feelings..

There is a lot more things to be proud of..


What do you proud of???